everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
