i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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