new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
