Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I am naked and annoyed.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
