have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
