I'm jealous of your bromance
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize