So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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