The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
