So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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