how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
