I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
