found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I want a musical about memes.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
