using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
