wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I need to sanitize my soul.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize