you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
