I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
