The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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