So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
