I seem to have left my pride at pride
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
