my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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