I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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