watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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