Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Randomize
