She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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