I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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