It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
