You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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