what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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