remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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