This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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