i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
