I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
