If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
sarcasm needs its own font
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
