Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
