the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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