i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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