Your tits are I can't wait for
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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