In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
do herpes really smell.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
