I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
