dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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