I think my vagina is haunted
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
