he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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