i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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