Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
