Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
