You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
