Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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