you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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