Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
