Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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