i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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