Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
