I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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