last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
