would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
