my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
