So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
