I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
