I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
