I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
