u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
