On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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