Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
