I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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