Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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